wait on him... Psalm 33:20-21...

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.

For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name.

Psalm 33:20-21 ESV

Because He is our help and shield in the waiting...
our hearts are glad Him...
because we trust Him...

While we wait for Him...
to fulfill His promise...
work good from evil...
return to make things right...
we do so with joy...
because He is trustworthy...
He helps us along the way...
He shields us from so much...
most of it unknown to us...

And I wonder at the fear that overtakes my heart...
when the young man on the phone asks... Do you have any other questions for me...?
and His Spirit says... Ask Him if He knows Jesus...
and even though this young man is in Canada...
my heart clenches... the question goes unasked...
instead I end the call with... May the Lord bless you and keep you...

Wimped out...
I totally wimped out...

Conviction now clenches my heart instead of fear of man...

My unbelief and doubt in the waiting still so great...!

I'm such a bad waiter...
not serving the Lord well...
because I don't believe He is my help... my shield...

Lord... forgive me... I've failed again...

Thank You for your grace... Let me not forget Your conviction...

Bless me with another opportunity... and fearless faith...

failed... again...

Ugh...!
I said I would pray... and I didn't...!
Signed up... on the clock... to fill a space with prayer...
and slept right through...
didn't even think about it before hitting the pillow...

The realization makes me sick...

I failed...
failed myself...
failed others...
failed Him...

In the midst of praying forgiveness...
pouring out prayers for those I was supposed to...
asking Him whose outside time and space... to retroactively pray during the time I failed...

A verse comes to mind...

...if we are faithless, he remains faithful ---

he cannot deny himself.

2 Timothy 2:13 ESV

In this moment of faithlessness... failure...
I trust His forgiveness...
I trust His ability to fill the gap...
I trust His faithfulness to those who are His...
for He knew... before... that I would... fail...

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

Psalm 139:3-4 ESV

O Father God... You knew... You know...

yet still You are faithful...

Thank You...

giving thanks... at the end of a day...

At the end of a day...
feeling more a failure...
than a success...
in my walk with Him...
I find myself thankful for grace...

...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

and are justified by his grace as a gift,

through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus...

Romans 3:23-24 ESV

wondering... why returning to Him... in the evening... is hard...

I confess... in the pursuit of a regular... disciplined... evening offering of time to Him... I've failed...

Now... I knew it would be hard... and I would fail at some point... but it's made me wonder... Why is it so hard...? to return to Him... in the evening...?

Or maybe a better question is... Why has the morning offering... become such a blessing...?

A hymn from Sunday... causes me to ponder this question...

Morning has Broken... its last verse...

Praise with elation, praise every morning,

God's recreation of the new day!

And I see it... each morning... an opportunity to re-create a new day... an opportunity to start fresh...

The blessing of a do-over each day... drives me to sit with Him... seeking... praising...

Approaching Him... each morning with an anticipation... fresh... like coffee... warming up to Him... awakening with Him...

So what... about the evening... is so hard...? What attitude should I take toward Him in the evening...? What desires... do I have... at the end of the day...?

This morning... in the fresh... looking back on the failure... and a lame effort at an offering last evening... I see my greatest desire at the end of the day... is... rest...

Just as He re-creates each new day... resurrects us from sleep... to new life... He also offers rest...

"... Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,

and I will give you rest. ..." --- Jesus

Matthew 11:28 ESV

To cease from work... and rest in Him... here is the attitude... the stance... the approach... to take toward the evening offering...

Giving Him... each failure... and victory... from the day...

Receiving... forgiveness... and grace...

Recognizing... Him at work... in all of it...

So I might... rest...

Today... my attitude toward the evening offering... will be seeking rest... at the end of the day... even when there may still be work to do...

Lord... help me to develop an attitude... of anticipation... 

for the evening offering... of time to You...

You invite me... to rest... in You... 

and that is what I desire... at the end of each day...

You are... my... Rest...

The prayer... to begin... an evening offering...

Return, O my soul, to your rest;

for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

Psalm 116:7 ESV

Related fare:
daily devotions... fresh each day... like coffee...
more early morning thoughts... on daily devotions... and coffee...

feeling like a failure...?

I feel like I've failed...

The words of a loved one... looking back over Christmas break... his good intentions... gone undone...

I feel like I haven't done anything...

I look back and see... one who spent time filled with joy... pursuing relationships... and hear... the often repeated word... Fantastic...!

failure... a tough feeling... a harsh word... a word of condemnation... judgment...

The One who came... the One whose birth we just celebrated... did not come to judge... or condemn...

...there is now no condemnation 

for those who are in Christ Jesus...

Romans 8:1

He did not come to stomp... crush... our spirits...

"... A bruised reed he will not break,

and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out...."

Isaiah 42:3

The enemy... he taunts with words of failure... accusation... stealing joy... sapping strength... for the coming season...

"... The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..."

John 10:10

Now... it's not that Jesus doesn't rebuke... convict... when it comes to sin... but His voice comes with love... life... and an invitation to repent... an invitation... to something better...

Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

Mark 10:21

The enemy... tries to steal what has been given... for rest... growth... preparation... and use it to discourage... taint memories and blessings of a holy season...

Are you feeling like a failure...? as you look over the last year...? intentions... plans... gone unmet... undone...?

The voice you hear is not His... it's the one who wants to steal... what's been given...

Listen to the One who invites... who loves... and works... all things... for the good of those who love Him... who have been called according to His purpose...

Put away your intentions... and resolutions... repent... and hear His invitation...

Follow Me...

self-consciousness... a stumbling block to compassion...

To be self-conscious... is to be self-centered... all thoughts revolving first around... self...

To be compassionate... is to be... self-less... thinking of others needs first...

Me... I allow self to hinder... compassion...

What will it cost me...? to step into their mess...?

What will they think of me...? to enter a mess that's not mine...?

And possibly the most perverted thought process... assuming the one in need... possesses my own self-absorbed nature... 

Will they be self-conscious if I notice their mess...? offer help...? 

Will I hurt their feelings...? make them uncomfortable...?

My self-centeredness... leads me to worry about others... self-centeredness... in a most compassionate way...!?!

Lies... Lies...

Jesus... He came sans self... no self-consciousness... only God-the-Father-consciousness... undistracted by the many voices in the world... the liars...

He only allowed the Father's voice... the compassionate gracious God... to prevail...

His greatest act of compassion... the cross... caused Him to sweat blood... in anticipation... He even prayed... for another way...

But in the end... He surrendered... trusting... knowing... there is no other way...

The believer's calling is to think and feel and will just what Jesus thought and felt and willed. He desires to be partaker, not only of the grace, but also of the holiness of his Lord; or rather, he sees that holiness is the chief beauty of grace. To live the life of Christ means to him to be delivered from the life of self; the will of Christ is to him the only path of liberty from the slavery of his own evil self-will.

---Andrew Murray on Prayer, Abide in Christ (emphasis added) 

Acts of compassion... are followed through without regard to self... no turning back...

That is why Jesus says...

"No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back 

is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

Luke 9:62

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself 

and take up his cross and follow me. ..."

Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23

"...The man who loves his life will lose it, 

while the man who hates his life in this world 

will keep it for eternal life. ..."

John 12:25

I look back... and see an uncertain row... filled with gaps... an unfit furrow... too many times... the hands... have left the plow... the cross... dropped at the crossroads... a life loved... too much...

My failures... to act... react... offer... compassion... make me hate my life... 

Lord... make me fit... for service in the Kingdom...

Deliver me from the life of self...

Teach me... to walk Your way...

beware... your own understanding...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding...

Proverbs 3:5

It's right there... when you lean on your own understanding... you are not trusting the Lord... at least not with all your heart...

To use your own understanding... is to go your own way... not the Way...

I realized this today... as I look back and see... opportunities... graces... gifts... missed... by leaning on my own understanding...

With my understanding... fear... prejudice... pride... self- righteousness... keep me from trusting Him... with all my heart...

Beware... of your own understanding... put it aside... boldly surrender... be a fool... for Him...

Let no person deceive himself. If anyone among you supposes that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool [let him discard his worldly discernment and recognize himself as dull, stupid, and foolish, without true learning and scholarship], that he may become [really] wise.

1Corinthians 3:18 Amp

Father God... remind me... that my understanding... my reasoning... is foolish in Your sight... bless me with the boldness to trust You... walk Your Way... even when it feels... crazy...

faithful... when I'm not...

Today... God got me to the right place... at the right time... only I didn't know it... till I got there...

An early morning weekly routine... was all I had to do this morning... but I neglected to check the calendar... so I planned an impromptu late morning shopping trip... and lunch... with my daughter... no thought to an appointment made over a month ago...

On the way home... I stopped for gas... drove from the pump... and suddenly remembered the appointment...

With a gasp... I looked at my watch... 10 minutes to get there... but I was already within 100 yards of where I needed to be...

Looking back... over the many random decisions made to get to that point... if only one... had been different... I would not have been where I was... and probably would not have made the appointment... (or even remembered it...) causing inconvenience for the one I was to meet...

I don't know if this is great theology... but it feels like a picture of...

...for it is God who works in you to will 

and to act according to his good purpose.

Philippians 2:13

Sometimes... He's working in us... through our will... for His purpose... even if it is to not disappoint another... because of our faithlessness...

If we are faithless, He remains faithful...

2 Timothy 2:13 NASB

Thank You Father... for Your guidance... direction... even though I was completely unaware... Thank You for Your faithfulness...

missed opportunity

Not until after... did I recognize the missed opportunity... to bring life into the life of another...

Over the past several weeks... this vision of the Lord's army has been persistently present in my thoughts...

I was suddenly on a mountain where I could see the entire army. As I watched, I noticed that the plain was dry and dusty before the army, but immediately after the first twelve divisions passed, the earth was dark green, with trees giving shade and bearing fruit and pure streams flowing through the land. The army was restoring the earth. I thought of how different this was from what would happen when one of the world's armies would pass through a land. They would plunder and forage until the land was utterly stripped wherever they had marched.

I watched as the second divisions passed over the same ground. They left bridges and many buildings, but the ground was not left in as good of shape as before they had passed. The grass was not as green, the streams were somewhat muddied, and much of the fruit had been taken. 

---Rick Joyner, The Call 

My desire... to be part of the first division... bringing life... rejecting the temptation to build... which ultimately is about self...

But I've been unsure... what it looks like to be one that promotes life... growth... practically...

Then today... I received a glimpse of what gives life... through a missed opportunity... a lesson given... by not recognizing the moment... for what it was...

A brief conversation with a man... 5 weeks post-open-heart surgery... shared openly about his pain...

Now this is an acquaintance... seen once every few months... at a particular venue...

I offered sympathy... and encouragement...

He walked on to talk to others...

Again he passed by... See ya' later's... given...

The thought came... Offer to pray for him...

I hesitated just long enough... caught off guard by the thought... to get to that awkward point where he was just too far to call back...

My flesh determined the opportunity to be missed... my spirit went to confession mode... seeking forgiveness... experiencing remorse...

Then the Spirit made it clear...

This is how you bring life...

Suddenly I understood... one aspect of generating life... is to be prepared... attentive... to the call to intercede... or at least offer to intercede... for those who cross your path... any time... any where...

And I missed it... never realizing... that this is one way... the Lord's army fights... the dry... dead... places in the world... and brings life...

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.

2 Corinthians 10:4

The lesson learned... Believers bring life into the world... when we are open... sensitive... to the call of the Spirit... to lay hands on... and pray... for those in pain...

It's not just a nice thing to do... it is a weapon in the arsenal of the Lord's army...

Father God... thank You for this lesson... prepare me and enable me to be obedient... without hesitation... to offer to pray for others at Your call... Help me to remember... this is what it means... to bring life... healing... renewal... to a spiritually arid... world...

tired... upset... cranky...

A day outside...
with husband... and son on spring break...

A good day... but worn out... tired...
cranky... according to spouse...
A Mary... turned... Martha...

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things..."

Luke 10:41

Sometimes... things catch up... wear...
apologies given...
mood smoothed...

Father God... help me to remember to come to You...

when things upset... and worry... before I take it out...

on others...

when abiding is a struggle...

Fruit turns bad... when struggling to abide...
anger...
bad attitude...
impatience...
stirred up heart...
unkind words...

Uggghhh...

Wanting to abide... but feeling... lost... in my feelings...

Into your hand I commit my spirit;

you have redeemed me, O Lord,

faithful God.

Psalm 31:5

Father God... again... I give up... let go... give in... to You...

promised land command...

God... He told Joshua... just before entering the Promised Land...

"...This is my command --- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9 

NLT

The lesson today... for the 6th grade Bible class... the first day back for the new semester...

For me... the leader... a day to dread... the last meeting... was... very challenging... to say the least...

I knew something had to change... the same was NOT working... but the thought of change... going to such great lengths for a 30 minute lesson seems... silly... and instills fear... of yet another failure...

The lesson for 6th graders... is also for me...

...be strong and courageous!

Do not be afraid or discouraged.

For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

A reminder I needed... no need fear... the Lord is near...

Even when entering... a new room... and trying on a new plan... for a 30 minute Bible lesson... with 6th graders...

what do you say... at the end of a full day... that's not yet done...

No time for words...
busyness... crowds...
failures... emerge...
finding a request... I forgot to pray...
my strength... far from enough...
mentally... physically... fatigue seems to win...

So what do you say...?

As for me, I am poor and needy,

but the Lord takes thought for me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

do not delay, O my God!

Psalm 40:17

ESV

Lord Jesus... You say... when I am weak...

You are strong... help me... 

I am poor and needy...

a gray day

Dark clouds roll in...
filling the sky...
filling a life...

Failures press...
pressure paralyzes...
a future uncertain...

But even amidst the gray...
in Christ...
there is a Word of hope...

"O storm-battered city, troubled and desolate!

I will rebuild you with precious jewels

and make your foundations from lapis and lazuli.

I will make you towers of sparkling rubies,

your gates of shining gems,

and your walls of precious stones.

I will teach all your children,

and they will enjoy great peace. ..."

Isaiah 54:11-13

NLT

failing and frustration

Yes... I failed again...

First morning thoughts... no blog post yesterday...

A changing of habits... can be hard... new starts... can be slow...

New starts... can be rough...

Today... the first day of a new study with sisters... yesterday spent preparing the house to be hospitable...

Emerging from the bedroom... thoughts of failure on my mind... I discover... a window left open... the house filled with the faint smell of smoke... a brush pile burning overnight... seeped in... a frustration when you know guests are coming...

Feeling on the edge... heart filled with anger... toward self... and others... my morning continued...

The reading through... Shadrach.... Meshach... Abednego... standing firm... thrown into the firey furnace... walked out unsinged...

Perusing leader's guide... preparing for morning's study... whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it...

I realize... the failing... the frustration... have become distractions... turning my eyes toward me... Looking at me... turns my eyes away from the Light... where there is no variation... no dark... only grace...

For with You is the fountain of life;

In Your light we see light.

Psalm 36:9

NASB

(emphasis added)

Father God... thank You for revealing self-centered thoughts... for turning me back to the Light of Life...

glorify God...

I heard it in a teaching... this particular teacher's take on spiritual growth includes a listing of the lessons he perceives God guiding Believers in and out of... discipleship classes... including an upper level class... 801... The Glory of God... the graduate from this "class"... is characterized by a heart that reflects...

...at the end of every day, no matter what the loss, no matter what the hurt, no matter what the circumstance, no matter what my failure has been that day, I just ask one question: "Lord, were You glorified today? All that matters to me is that You're glorified, because You're the Creator and I'm the creature, and I want to see You glorified and I want to see You exalted." -- Michael Wells, Living the Abiding Life (my emphasis)

The words stuck... no matter what my failure... Lord, were You glorified today...? The thought that my failures can glorify God... seems counterintuitive... incongruous...

Can my failure... glorify God...?

I suppose... my failures... glorify God when... they reveal a departure from His Way... lead to a returning to the One who saves... and the receiving of forgiveness that heals...

He is glorified when... my failures reveal... my need for Him... and dependence on Him...

My failures... glorify God when... I'm willing to witness to others... reveal frailties... brokenness... and lead others to healing... through Him...

He is glorified... when my failures... humble... shape... and point to Him...

Lord... today I'm reminded... that Your ways... are not my ways... What looks like failure... You intend... for Your glory... Your cross... the biggest reminder... of Your redeeming power...

I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depth of the grave.

Psalm 86:12-13

preparing an entree...

Today... I began to think about the next passage of Psalm 119... the eighteenth Hebrew letter... reading about its heritage... its lore... I came across this phrase...

..."making yourself less in order to make others more"...

Perhaps it caught my attention because of all the stumbling of late... it's harder to trip over a small rock...

..."making yourself less in order to make others more"...

too much of me... making another... less...

..."making yourself less in order to make others more"...

It's what God did... Jesus... emptied... from infinite... to embryonic... from renowned Rabbi... to crucified criminal...

..."making yourself less in order to make others more"...

As followers... it's what we're called to do...

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. ...

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death -- even death on a cross!

Philippians 2:3-7

(my emphasis)

..."making yourself less in order to make others more"...

Its what I've been stumbling over lately... the call to be less... that others might be more...

Lord Jesus... help me remember...

You must become greater... I must become less...

enable me to lose my life for You... that I might find it...

truly... truly...

when thoughts go astray...

Today... a funeral... and frustrations... thoughts going astray... asking...

Why...? Why...? Why...?

A dangerous place to go... thoughts that lead to stumbling...

What do you do...?

... take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2Corinthians 10:5

Lord Jesus... take captive my thoughts... make them obedient... to You...

failure... a reminder...

Just yesterday... at lunch with a friend... the question...

How is it with your soul?

my response...

I feel like I'm failing... not doing anything well...

And here's confirmation... I failed to post... I intended to... blank screen set on the desktop... all day... Just like my life... it got covered up with other windows... forgotten... until this morning...

...failure...

A reminder of my fragility...

... for he knows how we are formed,

he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:14

A reminder of His grace...

From the fullness of his grace we have all received

one blessing after another.

John 1:16

Lord Jesus, today I trust in Your grace... I will not be trapped by failure... Your mercies are new every morning... thanks for the reminder...

Where have you failed recently?

Remember His grace...

6 days before Christmas: frustrations and failures

plans disrupted... voices raised...
commitments forgotten... sighs of exasperation...
miscalculations... unmet expectations...

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Romans 7:21-25

Hallelujah!