more on cynicism...

Yesterday... digging through a box of old journals... I find Scripture... written... highlighted...

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love...

Psalm 90:14

And I realize... cynicism... this doubting... eye-rolling... mocking... fear... flows out of a dissatisfied heart... disappointment... making itself known...

dissatisfied...expressing or showing lack of satisfaction: not pleased or satisfied...

satisfy... (the fourth definition...) convince... to put an end to (doubt or uncertainty): dispel

---Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (11th Ed.)

There... I see me... disgruntled... dissatisfied... unconvinced... a cynic... in certain areas of unfulfilled desire...

Jesus calls me to surrender and there's nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace. It terrifies, true. But it exhilarates. This, this is what I've always wanted and never knew: this utter trust, this enlivening fall of surrender into safe hands.

---Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts Devotional

Can we have hope... without trust...? and how does a cynical heart... begin to trust...?

We take the moments as bread and give thanks and the thanks itself becomes bread. The thanks itself nourishes. Thanks feeds our trust.

---Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts Devotional 

Thanks... being thank-full... for each and every moment...

A person cannot receive even one thing

unless it is given him from heaven.

John 3:27 ESV

Can I be thank-full... for setbacks... delays... hurts... pains...? Is it possible to receive them as grace... gift... from heaven...? Can I trust the One who says His love is unfailing... steadfast... that in ALL things... He will work for the good of those who love Him...?

It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace.

Hebrews 13:9

Hmmm... I need to see more fully... more clearly... His love...

His unfailing love... the foundation... for hope... and trust...

The Love that stoops down... empties Self... of divinity... majesty... glory... to rescue... redeem... restore...

Stoops... to the point of death... death... on... a... cross...

Here is the love that satisfies... the love that is trustworthy... feeds hope... and for which I can be... thank-full...

Thank You... Lord... for Your stooping down... for me...

for the elaborate gift of grace... wrapped just for me...

Remind me each day... Lord... 

Satisfy me in the morning... with Your unfailing love...

hugging Jesus...

I confess... my attitude toward obedience has not always been great. A reflection of my feelings found reading Reliving the Passion:

Here comes Jesus, closer and closer to me. Ah, the closer he comes, the less I like it. His very existence threatens mine...

I've grown used to my way of life. I like familiarity. I know my place in society, my reputation, my rights and privileges, all of which are comfortable to me. I know what power I have and what responsibilities. I worked hard for these things and deserve to keep them. Behold, I am a person of some prominence --- small or large, it doesn't matter: I am! This is me. This is my identity.

But here comes Jesus... and all of this is threatened. 

--- Walter Wangerin Jr.

To come closer to Jesus is to change. Transform. Surrender. Die.

And [Jesus] said, "If anyone would come after me,

let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

For whoever would save his life will lose it,

but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. ..."

Luke 9:23-24 ESV

It's hard to die to self. Daily.

A hard call... one that leads to discomfort... I usually receive with a heavy sigh... an Ugh!... and a pained expression. 

This I want to change. I want to see obedience in a brighter light. 

I know it's an invitation to intimacy... I know how I feel after completion... closer to Him... increased peace... and joy...

But in the midst of the struggle... discomfort... how do I receive dying to self with joyful acceptance...?

And it comes to me... anticipating an uncomfortable day...

Obedience is hugging Jesus!

An expression of love and intimacy... a warm hug.

Today... I'm hugging Jesus.

How can that not bring joy...?

And this is love:

that we walk in obedience to his commands.

2 John 6

things are not always as they appear...

A restless heart... aggravated by various difficulties... and challenges...

None really serious... just feeling their weight...

My spirit most upset with me... and the restlessness... tired of me... struggling to rest... wanting to trust... but feeling out of sorts...

That's when I grab up the Bonhoeffer devotional... Lord... speak to me...

 We all know that there are times in life when we grow tired of ourselves, when we become disgusted with ourselves, when we see all the wretchedness and weakness of our way of life... And it is the blessing of such times that in them there breaks through a longing for the face of God, for seeing God.

---Dietrich Bonhoeffer, I Want to Live These Days with You 

Yes... I know those times... right in the middle of fleshing them out...

God... He says to my restlessness... It's a blessing...

Thoughts go to my morning quiet... praising Him as the One who refines... removes impurities... unwanted material... coarseness...

I have refined you, but not as silver is refined.

Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.

Isaiah 48:10 NLT

 suffering... also translated by others as... affliction... adversity...

Refining... it's what I desire... the blessing I seek... a pure heart...

Blessed are the pure in heart,

for they will see God.

Matthew 5:8

What I see... as a weakness... an aggravation... God... He says... is a blessing... a sign that He's at work... in and through... my life... 

Thank You... Lord... for the aggravation... the restless heart... that drives me to seek Your face... thank You... for revealing Yourself... in a way... that assures... and brings peace...

slow to wake up...

Feeling low on grace...

Started off grumpy... looking ahead at a day... that would not go my way... only seeing what I couldn't do...

Not a good way to start the day...

Bonhoeffer... he tried to set me straight...

Human beings are not supposed to sleep but to be awake. Being awake means being sober, living not in dreams and wishes but in stark reality. Being awake means loving the day and work. It means being without illusions, because illusions idolize the world for us and veil our vision of the one God of whom one is to make no idols; illusions let us see the world in the colors of our own wishes and prejudices. Being awake means seeing the world as it is before God, without judging it.

--- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, I Want to Live These Days with You

I definitely started off judging the day ahead... suffocating under a veil of illusion... trying to whisk reality away...

Slowly... I've been waking up... embracing the day for what it is... doing the work... by His grace... with love... because as Bonhoeffer reminded...

This being awake is not something we can give ourselves. Rather, God must call us to this being awake.... Live before God as the one he has made you to be!

"Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead,

and Christ will shine on you."

Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise,

making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

Ephesians 5:14-16 ESV 

Father God... awaken me each day... to the reality found in You...

when abiding is a struggle...

Fruit turns bad... when struggling to abide...
anger...
bad attitude...
impatience...
stirred up heart...
unkind words...

Uggghhh...

Wanting to abide... but feeling... lost... in my feelings...

Into your hand I commit my spirit;

you have redeemed me, O Lord,

faithful God.

Psalm 31:5

Father God... again... I give up... let go... give in... to You...