really hard...

It's really hard... in our brokenness...
to come to grips... with His holiness...

Really... hard...

Our broken emotions...
skewed reasoning...
confused understanding...
make it difficult...
to see His grace in hard things...
to see His way in the dark...
when death brings life...
and love bears all things...

It's hard... to wrestle with God...
but that's what He invites us to do...
like Jacob... renamed Israel... God-wrestler...

But Jacob said, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

And he said to him, "What is your name?" And he said, "Jacob."

Then he said, "Your name shall no longer be called Jacob,

but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men,

and have prevailed." Then Jacob asked him, "Please tell me your name."

But he said, "Why is it that you ask my name?"

And there he blessed him. So Jacob called the name of the place

Peniel, saying, "For I have seen God face to face,

and yet my life has been delivered."

Genesis 32:26-30 ESV

Jacob... the one who in his brokenness...

stole his father's blessing from his brother Esau...

the one who yearned for a legitimate blessing...

His heavenly Father engaged him... wrestled him...

Jacob's cry is one of a broken heart...

I won't let you go unless you bless me...

The Father in His grace... blessed him...

with a new name... a new character...

as one invited into the wrestling match...

to move from brokenness...

to holiness...

It's really hard for brokenness...

to come to grips with His holiness...

but in His grace...

He invites us...

calls us... Israel...

Grateful for a God...
willing to wrestle with brokenness...
get down and dirty...
in order to bless...

wresting with rest...

Another call to Sabbath...
one I didn't want to hear...

It did not go well... from my perspective anyway...

Did work... that should've waited...
recruited others to help... when I should've let them rest...
self-indulged...
spent more time at wrest with Him... than at rest in Him...

And then today... the Monday following...
after a day of wrestling with rest...
He clears up much of my day...
hours in fact...

But you know what...?
The opportunity to work extra hours... brought no rest...
unmet expectations... (you know... the ones set too high...?)
left me feeling like a failure...
the work... did not fulfill...

The sun sets early these days...
and it feels like the day is done...

After a time with Him... remembering Him...

He reminds... There's still time in the day...
Do not give up... or be dismayed...
because so much seems undone...

Trusting Him... to guide the evening hours...
because I'm not sure I did so great with the day...

Thank You Lord for Your strength to persevere...

...for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139:12 ESV

wrestling with His suffering...

For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist,

in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their

salvation perfect through suffering.

Hebrews 2:10 ESV

He was perfected... through... suffering...

The thought came to mind as I prayed for college students today... in Moms In Prayer...

The verse selected by the leader... for praying scripturally for our students was...

See to it that no one takes you captive

through hollow and deceptive philosophy,

which depends on human tradition

and the basic principles of this world

rather than on Christ.

Colossians 2:8

My thoughts turned to the deceptiveness of worldly success... material gain... creature comforts... and the prayer it came... Remind him... that You were perfected through suffering... success according to the world does not necessarily lead to his good or Your glory...

Now... afterwards... I'm wondering... wrestling... with that prayer...

No one wants to see their children suffer...

He didn't want to see His Son suffer...

The images of The Passion still fresh in my mind... make me cringe... when I place my own children... in those scenes...

He was perfected... through... suffering...

Grateful... He has done it...

Thankful He lives... in each one of my children...

He knows... how to suffer... For the joy set before Him...

and each can rely on His strength... when the time comes...

...the One who is in you is greater

than the one who is in the world.

1 John 4:4 HCSB

Yet... to consider suffering... as the way to perfection...

to say with Paul... 

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection

and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings...

Philippians 3:10

...is a difficult thing...

But... because He did... 

because there was apparently no other way...

I pray...

Father... if it be possible... let this cup pass from my children...

but nevertheless... if that is the only way... for them to know You...

not as I will... but as You will...

the blessing of wrestling...

After the commencement address... the question came...

What did you think of the speaker's talk...?

I shared my thoughts... and the one who asked... shared his...

We did not agree...
I could not make him see...
I knew I couldn't...
and the truth that only the Father opens eyes of faith...
weighed heavy...

But... Sunday... He opened my eyes to a new aspect of the conversation... held on Saturday...

During the singing of The First Noel... the chorus...

Born is the King of Israel...

I'm reminded... Israel...translates to... God-wrestler...

Born is the King of God-wrestlers...
and the previous conversation... came into light...
there was a wrestling with God taking place...
the first steps... toward coming under the King...!

And I see... how those who question... messages of truth... enter into the wrestling ring of blessing...

Those who don't consider... don't question... don't wrestle with the ideas of truth that barb at a soul... are hard as the road... where the birds steal what's been sown...

Jacob... he wrestled with God...
he said... I won't let you go till You bless me...
his name was changed... to Israel...
God-wrestler...

In this new light... instead of discouraged... I am encouraged...
recognizing... the blessing... of wrestling... with the King...

Thus says the Lord, the King of Israel 

and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts:

"I am the first and the last; besides me there is no god. ..."

Isaiah 44:6 ESV

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a labor of love...

Crawling in bed last night... brought tears...

Thoughts turned to a loved one...

Prolonged waiting makes for a heavy heart... that cries out to Him...

Following prayer... sleep came quickly... but became restless...

Waking several times... with heart-felt prayers pouring forth in my mind...

Different than anything experienced before... I have had wakeful nights... God pressing me to pray... often out of bed and to my Bible... clearly conscious of the call to intercede...

But this... waking with full blown prayer... over and over... wrestling... with Him... not only for one... but others too...

Finally waking... just before the alarm... a settling... the wrestling done...

My flesh wonders if I should worry... but my spirit says be still... He's at work...

And I wonder... was I Jacob... wrestling with Him... crying out... I won't let you go... till you bless them...

Or was I Epaphras... the one who wrestled in prayer... so others might stand firm in all His will...

Either way... called to a long night of travail... a labor of love...

Arise, cry out in the night,

as the watches of the night begin;

pour out your heart like water

in the presence of the Lord.

Lift up your hands to him

for the lives of your children...

Lamentations 2:19

Who have you wrestled with Him for lately...?

declare a blessing on me...?

The reading through of The Journey finds me camped out in Genesis... this last month spent looking into Beginnings...

I come to Jacob... wrestling with God... face to face... a place I'm familiar with... a place where I see every Believer's calling... privilege... as a son of Israel... great-grandchildren of Abraham...

God... through His Son... gives us the privilege of wrestling with Him in prayer... bringing doubts... fears... just as Jacob did on returning home... to face the brother he cheated...

We... adopted into this family by grace... invited into a wrestling match with our heavenly Father... the Creator and Keeper of our souls...

But today... I'm caught by the audacity of Jacob...

But Jacob said, I will not let You go

unless You declare a blessing upon me.

Genesis 32:26 Amp

Then I think of the blessings found in the Beginnings... they are blessings that define a life...

Adam and Eve... Noah... Be fruitful and multiply...

Abraham... Isaac... I will bless you and make your name great... in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed...

Jacob... Be lord over your brothers...

Esau... By your sword you shall live... you shall serve your brother...

And here is Jacob... demanding a blessing... believing he could hold the God of the universe captive... force Him to bless... audacious...

Then I wonder... Have I ever asked Him to bless me... define my life... by His blessing...?

I don't think I have... but here I find myself inspired... as a God-wrestler... to seek... beg... a blessing...

Lord... bless me...

What is Your blessing for me...?

when resting... feels like wrestling...

When resting... feels like wrestling...

Don't give up... look up...

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

From where shall my help come?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2 NASB
(my emphasis)

How do you look up... when resting... turns to a wrestling match...?

A favorite devotional...?

A prayer...?

A song of praise...?

Consider sharing your act of looking up... by adding a comment...

an unexpected Word... for me...

What do you do... when the Word you've sought to give another... is actually for you?

Humble yourself before the Lord...

The morning began... like most any these days... offering grace to the loved one in a pit... with breakfast... and a devotional...

But me... I was low on grace... frustration with the... I'm getting up... that doesn't mean anything... the waiting on him... while eggs get cold... and toast... soggy...

What stirred in my heart... anger...

No sympathy... no forgiveness... no compassion...

Words formed in my mind... Don't you know how disrespectful your behavior is...? It is so rude... for you to make us wait on you...? I could see myself delivering the tirade... bringing low... the one... who will not lower himself...

But my spirit... the Spirit... made me consider... Is this anger about me...? my selfishness...? my desires...? Be careful what you say...

In my doubt... I sat silently... trying to pray... But am I letting him off the hook...? The struggle would not die... no peace...

I chose to err on the side of grace... holding my tongue... suppressing words...

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent,

and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 17:28

The loved one... appeared... wandered in... at the end of prayer...

Breakfast continued... awkward silence... me afraid to speak...

The devotional book chosen... but not the specific devotion... words had come to mind... redemption... encouragement...

I opened the book... at random... trusting Him to choose what the son needed to hear... but then looked in the topical index to see if redemption... encouragement... were there... neither were... so the one opened up... must be the one... Right Living...

I urge you to use words with restraint. Misusing words is one of the easiest ways to sin --- and one of the deadliest. In fact, the tongue is a fire that corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. You would be wise to follow the example of David, who wrote: Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. Controlling your tongue is so difficult that you cannot do it without massive help.

Jesus Lives by Sarah Young (partial excerpt)

Needless to say... after reading aloud the first sentence... the words almost stuck... the realization... This Word is for ME...! struck deep...

Confirmation... of a wise choice... even though it was a battle... came quickly... a blessing... a word... most unexpected...

The desire to bring life... rather than death... to grow life in others... not build up my self... was achieved in some small way... by His grace...

A humbling moment... when trying to minster... witness... to another... Father God... ministers to you...

Thank You Lord... for the massive help... this morning... controlling my tongue... guarding my mouth... Thank You for the confirmation... of Your presence in each moment... of Your help even when it doesn't feel like You're near... Thank You Lord... for grace... lots... and... lots... of... grace...

From the fullness of his grace

we have all received one blessing after another.

John 1:16

wrestling

Wrestling... it's what God invites us to do...

Jacob... Israel... one in the same... the Patriarch of faith... whose name means... wrestles with God...

Today... I wrestle over self... and self-centeredness... feeling the words of Paul...

Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners---

of whom I am the worst.

1 Timothy 1:15

(my emphasis)

Learning that love is completely other-centered... looks not at its own wants... but others's needs.... 

But me... I feel the epitome... of un-loving... so completely focused on self... wrestling... struggling... to put my wants aside... wondering why I can't look past me... see the needs... of those sheltered here... and find joy... and grace... to freely love...

Today... I'm the worst... entering the ring... to wrestle with Him... 

crawling on the cross... believing I have been crucified with Him...

have died... and He lives... in me...

only... ME... keeps resurrecting...

stirring thoughts... I don't want to think...

Today... I... am... the... worst... 

but in the wrestling... 

I see that He... is... here...

without Him... there would be no wrestling...

no challenge to love... with obedience...

different choices would be made...

ones that stray far... from the road that runs narrow...

So... I give thanks... for wrestling...

for the God... who loves... and invites...

us to wrestle... with Him...