selfish...

A gracious... beautiful... sister in Christ...
one coming to the study being birthed...
looked at me... tear-stained face... and said...
Thank you... for spending so much time in God's Word...
and your hours of study...

My answer came so quick... it even stunned me...
Don't thank me... it's pure selfishness...!

My time in God's Word is purely selfish...
I want Him... I want to know Him...
I want all of Him... poured right in me...

There have been moments at the end of a time in His Word...
when my flesh can sit no longer... my poor finite brain full...
but I still hunger... my spirit willing... my body weak...
and I take my open Bible... place it on my head... praying...
Lord... I want all of it... all Your word... pour it in me...

I know I can't live without Him...
I want to follow Him... be near Him...
walk His Way...

Yes... I'm so grateful... He's pushed me to share...
to see others gain healing... insight... from what I've gleaned...
wandering through the fields of His Word... selfishly...

Maybe I'm a bit like Ruth...
walking through His Word...
gleaning what's there...
a poor widow...
nothing to give...
only taking...

Yes... time in His Word...
selfish...
needed...
so I might live...

"Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word

that comes from the mouth of God."

Matthew 4:4 ESV

convicted...

I found myself convicted today... for complaining...
a mild complaint... but a complaint nonetheless....

The complaint centered on something that should only bring joy...

Self-centeredness... the root of complaint...

As I write... I'm reminded for what I have been set free...

For you were called to freedom, brothers.

Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh,

but through love serve one another.

Galatians 5:13 ESV

I suppose all complaints... or most to be sure... are rooted in selfishness...

His love... frees us to serve others... in love...

therefore should free us from complaining...

Do everything without complaining or arguing.

Philippians 2:14

Grateful to be set straight...

Grateful for the Holy Spirit who convicts...

Grateful for the freedom to serve... in love...

Have you complained today...? 

Perhaps it's time to examine its root...

evaluating a day...

Arriving home... a loved one asked... How was your day...?

Stopping for a moment... thinking... reflecting... I shrugged and said... Fine...

Just fine...? Why just fine...? was the response I received...

Hmmm... did I really want to evaluate my day...?
It was a day where my expectations... my plans... went for the most part unmet... A day of unexpected problems... some caused by me... some not... A day of stopping what I was doing... to serve someone else in the moment... If I had to be honest... I didn't really enjoy the day... because it didn't go my way...

Selfishness raising its head... still so active in my heart...
Who wants to evaluate that?!

Then the loved one evaluates for me... It seems to me... that you want to be cared for... I see it cause I've felt it... I recognized it in you last night... it kind of made me laugh...

Great...

And Scripture is quoted to me...

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:4 ESV

Then a commentary given... Those who mourn will be comforted... at least those who have a legitimate reason for mourning... but when we want to be cared for... that's not ever what we get...

And I don't speak it out loud... but verses come to my mind too...

"Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep

say to him when he has come in from the field, 'Come at once 

and recline at table'? Will he not rather say to him,

'Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me

while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink'?

Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded?

So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say,

'We are unworthy servants, we have only done what was our duty.'"

Luke 17:7-10 ESV

See what happens when you evaluate your day...?

I see clearly my selfishness... pettiness...

and I see Him smiling shaking His head...

like you do at a toddler who stamps their feet...

And I have to smile too...

properly rebuked...

heart turned to repentance... (again...)

grateful for His perspective...

and the one who caused me to evaluate my day...

Lord... I am an unworthy servant...

You have done more for me than I could ever deserve...

Fill me with the joy of serving You... doing my duty...

Quench my desire to be served...

PS...

Reminded of a song I've heard multiple times in the last week...

a song that reflects the desire of my heart...

so opposite of where my flesh leads me...

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