scattered...

Feeling a bit scattered... at the start of the new year...
bills to pay...
chores to do...
words to write...
studies to prepare...

Last week's days off...
I thought I would get much done...
it didn't happen...

Scattered...

Words come...
for different writings...
at different times...
bubbling up...
feeling disjointed...
like too much...

Scattered...

But the odd thing is...
in all the scattered...
there is joy...

Joy...
even though I don't know how it will get done...

Joy...
in not really knowing where I'm going...

Joy...
knowing He's with me...
behind and before...
holding all the scattered...
together...

And he is before all things,

and in him all things hold together.

Colossians 1:17 ESV

returned gifts...

I had some gifts returned yesterday...

though it was a surprise...

it wasn't a bad thing...

One gift returned was my flute...

the one I played in high school...

I'd given it to my nephew several years ago...

when he wanted to pursue the flute...

This semester... he graduated with a masters degree in music...

he owns his own superior flute now... and a piccolo...

Yesterday... in the kitchen he brought them down...

opened them up... and asked me to play...

I had no idea if I could...

and mostly I couldn't...

I also couldn't believe how much I'd forgotten...

fingerings... notes... and how to make a clear sound...

But he patiently coached...

reviewed keys and notes...

and for a bit... we played part of a Christmas carol...

The master's educated musician... encouraged me to take my flute...

the one he learned on... the one I had given him...

to re-learn to play...

a gift returned... with gratitude...

The musician's brother was there too...

who I hadn't seen in over a year...

not since he was married...

He too returned a gift...

one which also surprised...

When they arrived...

I gave them hugs...

expressed how good it was to see them...

Then later... when things were quiet...

he descended on me again...

with a big bear hug...

Sorry... it's just been so long...

he says... as we hug...

and in the background I hear his mom say...

He loves his Aunt Carol...

And I wonder at the hugs and the words...

never knowing... he felt such love for me...

Both returned gifts...

revealed an unknown impact...

I made on those I love...

The gifts I've offered over the years...

may have looked one-sided...

but somewhere along the way...

a shift was made...

Gifts of love... no matter how small...

are never wasted...

and one day...

when you least expect it...

they just might be returned...

in a good way...

...give, and it will be given to you. Good measure,

pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap.

For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you."

Luke 6:38 ESV

Have you had any returned gifts lately...?

rest in Him... in the unknown...

I don't like not knowing...

The loved one's words remind me...
when we don't know...
we can rest in the fact...
He knows...

I used to feel the same way about the unknown...

Being one gifted at coming up with the worst case scenario in any given situation... I was prone to worry... anxiety... fear...

As I've learned to trust Him...
I find great peace... and comfort...
in His knowing...

He is NEVER caught by surprise... or off guard...
NEVER... is He at a loss for what to do...
NEVER... is He manipulated... or played the fool...

He knows...
so I don't have to...

I find rest in His knowing...
when things catch me off guard...
or I'm at a loss for what to do...
or I've been manipulated and played...

He knew... He knows...
and He has His glory...
and my good...
at the heart of it...

If you find yourself... like one I love... saying...
I don't like not knowing...
find rest...
in the truth...
the fact...
He knows...
and you don't have to...

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

Psalm 139:1-6 ESV

moving forward... into unknown territory...

The reading through of Exodus has me considering the fear involved in moving forward...

Forward... brings unknowns... tests... trials... and for the Israelites... going back to slavery... back to Egypt... seemed better... than freedom...

"Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger."

Exodus 16:2-3 ESV

All the congregation of the people of Israel moved on from the wilderness of Sin by stages, according to the commandment of the Lord, and camped at Rephidim, but there was no water for the people to drink. Therefore the people quarreled with Moses and said, "Give us water to drink." And Moses said to them, "Why do you quarrel with me? Why do you test the Lord?" But the people thirsted there for water, and the people grumbled against Moses and said, "Why did you bring us up out of Egypt, to kill us and our children and our livestock with thirst?"

Exodus 17:1-3 ESV

Looking back... is where paralysis... fear... takes hold... because we don't know... what comes next...

The past... its endings all neatly tied up... we've been there done that... it's familiar... known...

And I wonder about this... my mostly grown children all home for the weekend... an event that doesn't happen so often anymore...

As my children continue to make their own way... these times become more precious... because... Will there be another...? with all the dangers and unknowns in the world...? will there be another...?

But I remember... 

He is not in the past...

He is in the present...

and the future is in His hands...

Good times... or trying... familiar ground... or unknown territory... they are all a gift from Him... and the reality is... we never know what's coming... even in the most blessed and comfortable time...

Trusting Him... to lead and guide...

no matter what comes...

resting in His unfailing love...
is the only way... to move forward...

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13:5-6

[Note: Forgot again... to put the week's readings for The Journey on Sunday's post... here they are... I'm gonna have to think of a different way...]

This week's readings for The Journey...

Monday                  Exodus 21:33 - 23:9

Tuesday                  Exodus 23:10 - 24:18

Wednesday             Exodus 25

Thursday                 Exodus 26-27

Friday                     Exodus 28

a day of new... and unknown...

Spent the day doing something I've never done before... filled with questions... no one to ask...

Emails sent... voicemails left... phone calls missed... emails received that stir up more questions...

New... filled with unknowns... sometimes feels like walking in the dark...

A self-imposed deadline... doesn't help... when there are multiple other things to do... with their own deadlines...

But in this dark... I sense another new... an attitude... of peace...

The steps of freedom... leave their mark... in the midst of unknowns...

Unknown... whether I'm doing the new thing right... or how I'll finish all I need to do...

A devotional... read earlier... caused me to recognize... my inner new...

Mankind has a voracious appetite for finding out what the future will bring. Astrologers and fortunetellers capitalize on this lust to peer into secret things --- things that belong to Me. However, to feast on Me you must live in the present moment. This is where you can encounter Me and enjoy My Presence. As you come to the table of My delights, be sure to bring your fork of trust and your spoon of thankfulness. Take plenty of time enjoying Me, and your soul will delight in the richest fare.

---Sarah Young, Jesus Lives

I wasn't trying to consult an astrologer today... just a consultant... to find my way through the new...

Yet here... with the sun setting... I find that I have been in His presence... trusting... thankful... all day...

And hopefully... into the night...

"...I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 

plans to give you hope and a future. ..."

Jeremiah 29:11

questions...

Questions... they arise in the quiet...

The nest empty... children growing... grown... to find life outside...

But the questions... they come... in their absence...

Have I been enough...?
Did I teach... the right things...?
Did I love well... do they know... my heart for them...?

The questions arise... as each one's story has yet to unfold...

Unknowns... they make a heart wonder...

In wonder... I turn to Him...

The Lord will perfect that which concerns me;

Your mercy and loving-kindness, O Lord, endure forever...

Psalm 138:8 Amp